{"id":7710,"date":"2019-06-18T16:11:31","date_gmt":"2019-06-18T16:11:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cmshub.wpengine.com\/?p=251125"},"modified":"2024-11-03T15:17:11","modified_gmt":"2024-11-03T15:17:11","slug":"survivor-guest-post-living-breast-less","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/survivor-guest-post-living-breast-less\/","title":{"rendered":"Survivor Guest Post: Living Breast-less"},"content":{"rendered":"

Guest Post By: Sheryle Cruse<\/strong><\/span>I am breast-less. Ever since October 4th, 2017.<\/span>Diagnosed with breast cancer three months earlier, I was introduced to my education, fraught with not just fear, but with other people\u2019s judgments and assumptions. Yay! Sign me up for that<\/em>!<\/span>First, upon the news of my diagnosis, there was the matter of my surgery. I could have gone the lumpectomy route. But, after much fearful drama, after years of problematic mammograms and ultrasounds, I made my choice, one that surprised even my surgeon: a bilateral mastectomy, with no reconstructive surgery.<\/span>Preemptive strike. I would live my life breast-less. And here is where I encountered some unexpected lessons from making that choice.<\/span>Mastectomy is not as simple as being breast-less.<\/strong><\/span>I am without my breasts. But there\u2019s more to it than that.<\/span>\"\"<\/span>Photo: Adobe Stock\/Ivan<\/span>When I had my surgery, I was neither repulsed or distraught by their removal. Perhaps, I would have been if I had perfect, perky breasts. Pain, discomfort and insecurity were my<\/em> experiences. There were my efforts to peacefully co-exist with them, dress them and accept myself while I was uncomfortable in<\/em> them. Pinching underwire and matronly brassieres worn as a teenage girl were also<\/em> fun bosom highlights.<\/span>So, strangely, as I looked at my new chest, I felt liberated, even as I struggled with my mortality thoughts.<\/span>Okay, so that\u2019s psyche<\/em>. But what about the physicality<\/em> of my new chest?<\/span>Again, my naivet\u00e9 surfaced. I thought having a bilateral mastectomy simply meant I would not have these shapes attached to my body.<\/span>But I hadn\u2019t counted on what that would FEEL like. True, a weight was removed from me. But I also felt something else.<\/span>I can best describe it as a plastic-y breastplate I can never fully put on or take off. I am always aware of my chest. Whenever I move, I feel it. I have seen doctors, specialists and physical therapists who are helping me take in my \u201cnew normal.\u201d<\/span>Part of my \u201cnew normal\u201d chest? I still have cleavage.<\/strong><\/span>I caught glimpses of this as the necklines on my blouses revealed a tiny quarter of an inch cleavage line, where now my little breast stubs exist and say \u201chi.\u201d Tiny vestiges of my tatas.
So, yes, indeed, I have baby cleavage, but cleavage, all the same.<\/span>
\n<\/span>My scar site is an erogenous zone.<\/strong><\/span>A-hem.<\/span>Weren\u2019t expecting that<\/em> one, were you?<\/span>Imagine my<\/em> surprise, then, when, oh, about ten months after my surgery, woo-hoo<\/em>!<\/span>I had gotten used to my chest feeling weird. Again, the plastic breastplate, never deciding if it should stay or go. I also had a daily dose of my \u201cam I going to die and\/or re-experience cancer\u201d thoughts. So, I was not exactly focusing on becoming hot and bothered. I did my breast surgery exercises, went to physical therapy and assorted cancer\/survivorship appointments. I monitored things; I got on with life.<\/span>And then, one day, while applying some lotion, woo-hoo<\/em>!<\/span>I have been repeatedly told, since my diagnosis, \u201cEveryone heals differently.\u201d But no one was telling me, \u201cIf you run alongside of your surgery scar, you\u2019re going to feel like you\u2019re in some feisty erotica.\u201d Nope, no head\u2019s up there. Not one bit.<\/span>So, me being me, I mentioned this to my cancer team, probing for any \u201cOh, yeah, we hear that all<\/em> of the time!\u201d I got \u201cOh really?\u201d remarks instead.<\/span>So, this doesn\u2019t<\/em> happen all of the time?<\/span>And then I\u2019d usually hear stuff about cut nerve endings trying to regenerate as the medical community weighed in on the erogenous aspect of my breast cancer recovery.<\/span>\u201cWhy am I NOT getting turned on by my<\/em> surgery scars?\u201d<\/span>You may be ranting that exact question right now. I don\u2019t want to overpromise and underdeliver an expectation to you. After all, \u201ceveryone heals differently.\u201d I don\u2019t know what to tell you other than, that\u2019s how you\u2019re healing, I guess. I\u2019m sorry.<\/span>And if you are, indeed, in the \u201cwoo-hoo chest club,\u201d congratulations, and many happy returns of the sensation to you and your scar.<\/span>Just know it might happen. You are not a freak.<\/span>
\n<\/span>I am not my breasts.<\/strong><\/span>Breast-lessness has given me a different perspective. Part of that involves the view others have of me, like\u2026<\/span>I am tragic.<\/strong><\/span>I\u2019m not a real woman now.<\/strong><\/span>I believe losing my breasts has been the worst<\/em> thing that has happened to me.<\/strong><\/span>It\u2019s not such a great view, is it?<\/span>Look, you are the only one having to live in your body experience 24\/7. You<\/em> are the expert.
And so, an increased confidence is emerging in me. It\u2019s woven with dark mortality thoughts, yes, but still, my breast-lessness is teaching me who I am.<\/span>If I don\u2019t have this most identifiable symbol of being female, sexy, beautiful, valuable or desirable, then am<\/em> I?<\/span>I say yes.<\/span>Breast-lessness has not stopped me from being myself. I still love. I still laugh. I\u2019m still able to be girly and expressive. I\u2019m still able to write.<\/span>In fact, now I have more<\/em> things to write about.<\/span>Do I have to live life differently? Yes, of course. But everyone does about one thing or another, sooner or later. Life is change.<\/span>\"\"<\/span>Photo: Adobe Stock\/kieferpix<\/span>Assumptions: Breast-lessness Grad School:<\/strong><\/span>\u201cWhen you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me.\u201d<\/span>Now, add<\/em> a breast cancer context to it. See<\/em> anything?<\/span>Ah, yes, assumptions! People often think they know exactly<\/em> what breast cancer means: diagnosis, treatment, life spans, maybe death. Suddenly, they\u2019re experts.<\/span>Their assumptions about my cancer experiences and the choices I made initiated me into an unwilling graduate school program in my breast-less education, all via the opinions of outside parties. Get ready for some fun.<\/span>
\n<\/span>Assumption #1: \u201cYou\u2019re getting reconstruction, right?\u201d<\/strong><\/span>Yep, right after our conversation here.<\/span>Because I had a bilateral mastectomy, people often assumed I was going to get a new bosom. I decided against doing that. And, this seemed to surprise everyone. People have recoiled when I told them I chose<\/em> to remain my flat-chested self.<\/span>I had already lived with large and, yes, life-threatening breasts. So, I saw no reason to undergo further<\/em> surgeries to create new ones. Besides, reconstruction involves multiple<\/em> procedures to obtain this new bustline. Further<\/em> surgeries would require further<\/em> pain, healing, possibility for complications and infections. I wanted simplicity. Cancer, in its tumor form, was removed, via my mastectomy, along with all breast tissue. Done.<\/span>However, some people told me my decision would be deeply regrettable to me later on. I don\u2019t<\/em> regret it. They believed I\u2019d see myself as \u201cless than\u201d a woman for remaining breast-less. I do not.
Image is an idol we worship in this culture. And I have committed the unpardonable sin: I refused to attach my gender, identity, value and femininity to physical body parts.<\/span>I am not my breasts. I am not null and void without<\/em> them.<\/span>Besides, each person has their own subjective opinion of what constitutes the \u201cright\u201d breast size, anyway. Someone would find fault with my reconstruction choice.<\/span>It\u2019s like Goldilocks. \u201cThis one\u2019s too small. This one\u2019s too big. This one\u2019s jus-s-s-s-t<\/em> right?\u201d
Well, depending upon any particular individual\u2019s opinion, that\u2019s<\/em> a moving target.<\/span>So, no, I\u2019m not getting reconstruction on MY body. Do what you want with your own<\/em>.<\/span>Still, people have decided, \u201cIt\u2019s unacceptable for her to just leave her chest like that<\/em>. Surely<\/em>, she\u2019d want<\/em> to fix it.\u201d I encountered one such specialist, almost a year after my surgery. First appointment with him, within minutes\u2026<\/span>\u201cSo, are you going to get reconstructive surgery?\u201d<\/span>(And nice to meet you too).<\/span>I answered \u201cno,\u201d and felt heaviness in the air. Judgment. Disapproval.<\/span>There are probably some people who believe they\u2019re being helpful as they assert, \u201cA real<\/em> woman will do what needs to be done to make sure she has breasts, no matter what<\/em>. There\u2019s no excuse to not have a decent rack.\u201d<\/span>This is a most personal decision mired in a most personal life- altering experience. But somehow, other people feel they get to weigh in<\/em> on it. They cannot entertain a breast-less choice; they cannot entertain a woman deciding to make that choice. To willingly choose<\/em> not to get these body parts? Well, that\u2019s just wrong. Unnatural. Unpatriotic. Heathen.<\/span>But breasts are completely<\/em> your decision. Yes or no, whatever size. All of this is your<\/em> decision. It\u2019s no one else\u2019s business.<\/span>
\n<\/span>Assumption #2: \u201cYou\u2019re getting chemo, right?\u201d<\/strong><\/span>Already on it. It\u2019s in my veins right now.<\/span>Again, as I weighed my decisions, I was advised to do the \u201croutine\u201d cancer treatment: surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. I opted not to get chemo, only doing radiation after my mastectomy.
You should have seen the \u201cDead Woman Walking\u201d looks I received from specialists when I revealed my choice. Two individuals teared up.<\/span>I considered, prayed about and researched my options. I spoke with a number of women, covering a wide range of treatments in their experiences. And, yes, some included chemotherapy. It was a personal decision, not entered into lightly. Chemo was not right for me. And, yes, I know the possible ramifications. Recurrence. Death.<\/span>But, two women revealed, I believe, a dirty little secret no one talks about in the cancer community, especially with so much focus on \u201cbeating\u201d the disease.<\/span>These women actually regretted<\/em> going through chemotherapy. They told me, emphatically, they would not do it again. Ever<\/em>. It was too grueling.<\/span>I know myself well. Give me all of the platitudes about strength, perseverance and courage you want. I know<\/em> my limitations; chemo would break me. That\u2019s me. Every woman needs to decide for herself what she can and cannot tolerate.<\/span>Again, not that it\u2019s anyone\u2019s business in the first<\/em> place.<\/span>Still, I came across people who just assumed they could challenge my decision on chemo. They told me how I wasn\u2019t thinking clearly, how my life would go horribly without the treatment and how I didn\u2019t know what I was doing.<\/span>Repeatedly, within office appointments, I was reminded, \u201cIt\u2019s your choice.\u201d However, when I made<\/em> my choice, I was minimized, judged and even pressured to change, all to align myself with \u201ccookie cutter cancer treatment.\u201d<\/span>Guess what? I\u2019m not a cookie.<\/span>
\n<\/span>Assumption #3: \u201cYou\u2019re doing hormone blockers, right?\u201d<\/strong><\/span>Oh, thanks for reminding me! I knew I forgot something!<\/span>I guess it is just assumed, after you go through your surgery, get reconstructed breasts, undergo both chemo and<\/em> radiation, you are then<\/em> all excited to get shots in your abdomen which shut down your ovaries. Because, really, this is already such a fun experience. Why wouldn\u2019t<\/em> we want to be injected with more<\/em> needles, get hot flashes and an increased risk of blood clots and strokes?<\/span>Yippee.<\/span>I have a family history of stroke. Both parents, in fact, experienced more than one. That is not a risk I\u2019m not willing to tempt further.<\/span>So, yes, I still have my ovaries. I still have my monthly cycles. In fact, since my surgery, I\u2019ve never been more regular: exactly 28 days. Huh. Who knew?<\/span>I\u2019m monitored by a cancer antigen blood test. And, so far, my readings are normal. I have not exploded into some Jackson Pollack painting splotch. I have not overthrown governments. Nope, just breast-less me, with my 28-day cycle.<\/span>And cramps.<\/span>\u201cNo\u201d:<\/strong><\/span>I\u2019m discovering the bigness of this one tiny word. I speak it, asserting my decisions, which are valid, even if<\/em> they\u2019re unpopular. I speak it, removing myself from certain people, places and behaviors. Cancer care centers throughout the country throw out the term, \u201cself-care\u201d a lot. But my breast-less self now grabs ahold of that term with unapologetic enthusiasm.<\/span>It\u2019s Her<\/em> Decision, Not Yours:<\/strong><\/span>It is women<\/em> who are daily<\/em> making the intimidating, life-altering decisions concerning their bodies, their psyches and their futures. What to keep, what to remove, what to change and what to adjust to. They do so, for a number<\/em> of reasons: personal, private, spiritual, physical, reproductive, creative, financial. Whatever<\/em> the reason, it\u2019s not<\/em> your business. Support them, without your fear-and guilt- inducing opinions.<\/span>Some Breast-less Advice:<\/strong><\/span>\"\"<\/span>Photo: Adobe Stock\/mangostock<\/span>In general, when you speak with a diagnosed person, as a rule of thumb, don\u2019t ask any questions, with an inflection attached to the word, \u2018right\u2019 at the end. That\u2019s assumption. That is assuming<\/em> you already know<\/em> the diagnosed person\u2019s answer, one which agrees with your preconceived notion.<\/span>Rather, accept<\/em> that the person you are questioning could be this person instead:<\/span>Someone who is not<\/em> doing chemotherapy.
Someone who is not<\/em> doing radiation.
Someone who is not<\/em> doing hormone treatments.
Someone who is not<\/em> getting reconstructive surgery\u2026ever<\/em>.
Someone who is getting a different size breast than what you agree is the \u201cright size.\u201d
Someone who is not<\/em> getting her ovaries removed.
Someone who hasn\u2019t decided what<\/em> she will do.
Someone who is choosing a more holistic approach.
Someone who is forgoing all<\/em> treatment options.
Someone who is making a different<\/em> choice.<\/strong><\/span>Don\u2019t shame, via assumption. You don\u2019t know what this is like.<\/span>Even if you have gone through your own breast cancer experiences, your situation is not hers<\/em>. Two different diagnosis realities. Two different bodies. Two different lives.<\/span>There is no \u201csafe\u201d formulaic road map to ensure all will go well according to the \u201cdealing with cancer\u201d plan.<\/span>Therefore, I challenge<\/em> you to remember the word, \u201cassume\u201d when you encounter a diagnosed woman. Remember what happens when you do just that.<\/span>And support<\/em> her instead.<\/span>
\n<\/span>Breast-lessness: Ever- Learning, in Spite of:<\/strong><\/span>Breast-lessness, in conjunction with cancer realities and the minefield of assumptions accompanying it, is, indeed, a valuable education. And it continues, filled with surprises, ridiculous moments and yes, change and adjustment. I don\u2019t see my current state as loss in the despairing kind. Instead, I see it more, in the well-worn phrase, \u201cLess is more.\u201d<\/span>For me, so far, breast-lessness is, indeed, more<\/em>.<\/span>Copyright \u00a9 2019 by Sheryle Cruse<\/span>Source<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Guest Post By: Sheryle CruseI am breast-less. Ever since October 4th, 2017.Diagnosed with breast cancer three months earlier, I was introduced to my education, fraught with not just fear, but with other people\u2019s judgments and assumptions. Yay! Sign me up for that!First, upon the news of my diagnosis, there was the matter of my surgery. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":7711,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5137],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7710","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-world-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7710","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7710"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7710\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45771,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7710\/revisions\/45771"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7711"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7710"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7710"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ogkologos.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7710"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}